Falling Into A Relapse

I've been ok these past few weeks, keeping myself busy and not thinking of the problems a past relationship has brought me. Basically, I was avoiding (like I always do) the problems. And I was doing good at it. I was actually forgetting all about it. And I was starting to fall for someone. He is starting to notice me. But then, one day, I had to do the most stupid thing. I messaged the most recent ex. It's not like all the feelings came back, I am quite sure now that I have very little feelings for him now. But it's the "ego / pride thing" that's killing me now. Why could he not fight for me? I am all good. That much I know. I wasn't the lucky one who's getting him, he's the lucky one who's receiving me. But why could he not chose me? Why not me?

Now, I am in this lonely hole I dropped myself into since messaging him. I couldn't tell anyone what I did because I'll never hear the end of it. I've done the most stupid thing! I hate relapses. It's making me do stupid things, say stupid stuff and hurt myself in the process. To think this season has the highest rate of depression. I'd really hate it if I fall into depression again. I just won't be able to handle it. I just can't.