Ano Na Naman Yan

Galit ka na naman. Hindi mo na naman hinaharap ang mga problema mo. Masama ang loob mo. Pero di mo sinasabi. Masaya ka pa ba sa buhay mo? May hinahanap ka ba? May gusto ka pa ba sa buhay mo? May inaasahan ka pa ba? O nagpapadala ka na lang sa agos ng buhay? Hinahayaan mo na lang ba na tangayin ka ng alon? O lalaban ka at lalangoy?

Bakit parang nakapako ang mga paa mo sa kinalalagyan mo? Bakit di mo pa iwan ang dapat mong iwan? Nakakadena ka ba? Ano ba ang pumipigil sa'yo? Ano pa ba ang hinihintay mo? Wala ka mapapala sa pag hihintay. Nag hihintay ka ba na magkatotoo ang pangarap mo? Kung yun ang hinihintay mo, imposible yun, dahil hindi ikaw ang may hawak ng pangarap na iyon. Mas maigi pa na umalis ka na lang, tanggalin mo na ang kadena mo, at hanapin ang totoo mong pangarap.

Mahirap sa umpisa, pero kailangan mong gawin. Kung di ngayon, kailan pa? Umpisahan mo na ang bagong buhay mo. Lumingon paminsan minsan sa nakaraan, para di malimutan ang mga pagkakamali. Matuto sa buhay. Bumangon ka, dahil di ka makakatayo kung di ikaw ang magtatayo sa sarili mo. Tumakbo ka ng mabilis. Habulin mo ang gusto mo. Habulin mo ang totoo mong pangarap.

A Wedding, A Bowling Tournament, and a Night of Dancing

A weekend that was so busy, I was so tired, but happy. I never thought I'd get through the weekend. Fortunately, classes were suspended today, and I have an extended weekend, thus, giving me a very much needed rest..

*****

The Wedding

My friend Alvin got married last Saturday, July 22. He's the youngest of the barkada, with him married, makes me the youngest of our group who isn't married. I did my bestfriend Janine's and bestfriend Mina's make up. I have to give myself snaps for doing a very good job. (",) I did put my talents to good use that day..

*****

The MITECCEAA Bowling Tournament

I didn't play, we didn't earn a single cent, and we did a lose some thousand pesos. But, we did have a lot of fun.

*****

The Ballroom Dancing Night

Last night, I went ballroom dancing with my mom. It was a charity event for my bestfriend Mina's mom. When I was younger, I was really talented in dancing. Last night, I realized I was not as good as I was before. The instructor had a hard time dancing with me. (Why did I know this, he was perspiring all over.. Not like when he danced with my mom.. HAHAHA!)

Kanta Muna Tayo!!

Songs that mean so much to me right now...

I could not find an link for this song, sung by Craig David,

UNBELIEVABLE

Always said I would know where to find love

Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough

But sometimes I just felt I could give up

But you came and you changed my whole world now

I'm somewhere I've never been before

Now I seeWhat love means

It's so unbelievable

And I don't wanna let it go

Its something so beautiful

Flowin down like a waterfall

I feel like you've always been

Forever a part of me

And it's so unbelievable

To finally be in love

Somewhere I never thought I'd be

In my heart in my head it's so clear now

hold my hand you've got nothin' to fear now

I was lost and you've rescued me somehow

I'm alive I'm in love you complete me

And I've never been here before

Now I see

What love means

When I think of what I have

And this chance I nearly lostI can't help but break down and cry

break down and cry

Now I see

What love means

*************

For this song, I found a link, I really love singing this song in Videokes...

SA KANYA

Namulat ako at ngayo'y nag-iisa
Pagkatapos ng ulan
Bagama't nakalipas na ang mga sandali
Ay nagmumuni kung ako'y nagwagi
Pinipilit mang sabihin na ito'y wala sa akin
Ngunit bakit hanggang ngayon, nagdurugo pa rin
Sa kanya pa rin babalik sigaw, ng damdamin
Sa kanya pa rin sasaya, bulong ng puso ko
Kung buhay pa ang alaala ng ating nakaraan
Ang pagmamahal at panahon alay pa rin sa kanya
At sa hatinggabi ay nag-iisa na lang
Ay minamasdan ang larawan mo
At ngayo'y bumalik nang siya'y kapiling pa
Alaala ng buong magdamag
Kung sakali mang isipin na ito'y wala sa akin
Sana'y dinggin ang tinig kong nag-iisa pa rin
Ang pagmamahal at panahon alay pa rin
Sa kanya, sa kanya, sa kanya, hah-ooh
Sa kanya.

*************

Such a meaningful song....

CONSTANTLY

I knew it was there
Though I tried to hide it
The feeling just kept on shining through
Haven't known you that long
So I try to deny it
But the feeling was much too
Much too strong
Could this be love, deep down inside
Tearing me apart, I feel it in my heart
Constantly, you're on my mind
Thinking about you all the time
I can't sleep no matter what I do
I just keep on thinking ‘bout you
Why do I feel this way?
When I know you have someone
That you're seeing each and everyday
Should I play this game of just being a friend?
When I know that's not where I want it to end
How could this be wrong?
When the feeling's so strong
Tearing me apart
I feel it in my heart
No I don't want to start no trouble
Between you and I and your lover
But I must tell you what I'm going through
Everytime you walk by I see love in your eyes

**************

Wala lang... Kasi maganda yung pagkakakanta.. May meaning? Meron, siguro noon, ngayon, di ko na alam, parehas na kame masaya...

LATER

How can you come with me

When you knew all along that you had to go

How could you watch me sleep close to you

Pretending not to know

How could you memorize my name

And forget who I am

How could you think you're still the same

Believing I can

It's too late to start pretending

It's too late for a new beginning

Later than the sunset

Later than the rain

Later than never

To love you again

How could you ask for more

Than an innocent smile

Trust in me to stay

How could you close the door

And leave me here

Supposing I'm okay

How could you break down my disguise

And uncover my fears

How could you look into my eyes

Ignoring my tears

yeah, yeah Oh

It's too late

UpDaTe!

The Vacation

My vacation was not totally wasted, I actually got to go on a "budget" vacation.. (Thanks to Fiona for arranging everything!) I went to one of the beautiful places in the Philippines.. Palawan was everything I expected it to be.

The water was beautiful, the beaches had fine and white sand, the weather was cooperative (it was already june when we went to Coron), and as always, I have the sunburn to prove it!

I was with great company, ate great food, all in a budget! I even invited my brother to go. And he did! I didn't actually think that my brother would go with us, and we did enjoy each other's company. It was really a blast!

*** *** ***

Another Quarter

Another quarter has passed, and I think, this is the quarter when I had the most difficult time. I was given a load that was way over my head. But I managed through it. God is so good to me. He knows that I really needed the extra cash. And He gave me the strength to do all that needs to be done. Praise Him!

*** *** ***

To My Dear Friend

I know you are going through a rough phase right now, and I really do not know what to say to you. I try my best to make you happy, or even just make you smile or laugh. I am sorry if at times I am difficult to deal with, I just sometimes forget that the world does not revolve around me. (",)

Please do remember, that I am here. I may not be with you physically, but my spirit is always with you. You can always count on me. Take care always and things will work out for the best! Do not worry!

*** *** ***

My Best Friend Mike Has Come Home!

He did come home, only to leave two weeks after. I sooo cherish our friendship, even if we have been apart for more than a year, when we saw each other, it was like as if he left yesterday! He left again for Singapore today, hoping to land a good job there. Well, to you my ever dearest friend, I do hope you find that a job that will satistfy your needs, be it intellectually, monetary or emotionally (?). Always remember that I will support your every endeavor. God bless always! (Ampunin mo ako kapag pumunta ako sa Singapore ha!)

Wedding Season

I am at a point in my life when all of my friends and batchmates are getting married. I have attended quite a handful in the last year, and will be attending some more in the following months and years. I've been asked by a couple of people, when will I get married? Aha!The inevitable question, how do I answer such an akward question? When in fact I am terribly afraid to get married? I do want to get married, but... I don't know...

What I am excited about, really, is the wedding. Not the married life. I am really not excited with all the responsibilities that married life brings. Right now, I have more than enough. What will happen if I do get married? More responsibilities?

Wasted Vacation?!?

Was my one - month vacation really wasted?? This is my first vacation that I was not able to go anywhere. Not to Baguio, Not to Batangas, Not Even to Friggin' LAGUNA! I was terribly busy doing something that I totally forgot that I am supposed to go on vacation. Too bad. But at least I finished all my "Things To Do". Anyway, it's still April, I have May or at least the last weeks of June. I just hope rain won't fall early this year.

Losing Weight

Ok, I'm back on track. I'm really trying my best to lose all the weight I gained slacking off. I am not really after going down to a size zero. I just want to look good in any type of clothes I wear. I just want to fit in a medium again, even a large. I want to move a little faster and not get tired climbing the Fourth Floor of the West or the NorthWest Buildings of the school. I want to dance with a little more grace, the grace I lost when I gained all this weight. In short, I just want to feel the confidence I lost when I gained all of this weight. I've been going to the gym regularly for almost a month now, and so far, I am glad with the results. I pray that I'll be able to maintain the weight loss for a long time, even if I get married or get pregnant. (",)

Speaking of Losing Weight...

It's nearly 47 days, I haven't eaten any pork, beef or any chicken (at least not to my knowledge)! It has been my annual sacrifice during the Lenten Season. To let go of the food I love to eat. Since I am very fond of eating, so I believed that this will be a good sacrifice. I guess it has actually contributed to my weight loss. The other day, I was telling a friend, I really miss eating chicken. We were eating at KFC (I ordered the Green Salad, still no chicken!) and he kept on wagging his chicken in my face. I really miss eating chicken...

But really, it's a very small sacrifice, compared to Jesus' sacrifice. Tomorrow, on Easter Sunday, the day we Catholics commemorate the Lord's Rising, I'll be thankful, not only because I'll be able to eat chicken again, but because I am reminded that He has died and sacrificed Himself for my sins.

Just As Expected..

I've been following the Pinoy Big Brother Celebrity Edition over at Channel 2, being a fan of Bianca Gonzales way before she joined PBB. As expected, Keanna won, John was second place, Bianca was third and Zanjoe was fourth. I even voted for Keanna because I really liked her. Her depth is unbelievable. She's funny and witty. She's strong and yet compassionate. I've actually became one of her fans.

I must admit, I am guilty of judging people with the way people acted inside the house. But, these people knew what they were getting into. As public as the show was, they were being recorded 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 50 - something days. And public figures they are and some have became. And as public figures, they will be really subjected to people's opinion, or worse, really bad judgement. People campaigning for the Big 4, especially for Bianca and Zanjoe, reiterated that they should not judge these people. It can not be prevented. It can not be stopped. It will happen. And I believe that these judgements may affect Bianca's image, then that's the price she has to pay for being in that contest.

I am quite surprised with how the show has turned out. I am still shocked. I really admire Bianca before she entered the Big Brother house. I guess I still have to see if I will in the future.

HOT HOT SUMMER!

It's very unfortunate on this weather, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the sun and water (I still have a wedding to attend, so I really couldn't show up with sunburn all over!). What's more of a shame is the fact that I only have one month of vacation, and the wedding will be after my vacation! Oh well, I hope I can still enjoy the rest of the summer.

Speaking of summer, I really wish I could wear my new bathing suit (actually it's supposed to a 2 - piece suit, fortunately, I was able to buy the top only!) I'm really excited to wear this, as long as I don't have the flabs by the time I'll use it. I've been sweating it out in the gym, working out at least 2 hours, twice a week. Losing the weight I gained in the last 6 months is really a target for me this summer. Even if I do not have somewhere to use this top, at least I was able to lose the excess baggage I gained! It's a win-win situation, isn't it?

Gloomy Me..

I really am sad (again?!). It is only endorphins that has been keeping me going (produced by hours of working out in the gym).. FIrst, I was saddened by the fact that a handful of my students failed DATCOM013. Then, I need to pay tons of bills that I really could not enjoy the money I will receive for the months of April and May. And third, I had to let go of something and someone whom I really hold dear to my heart. My life has been falling into pieces this past month, I was merely setting it aside and was dealing with urgent but unimportant matters. Now, my hands have nothing to do, and so I am faced again with all the hoopla. I am in a rut. I need something or someone to hold on to. To share the burden. But I really can not talk to someone. I really can not talk to just a somebody. I need to be saved from my falling world.

Got Drunk!!

It has been awhile since I last got drunk, it was in the good old days of "bonding" with the MPRH crew (or was it with the Earnshaw crew??!) .. We finished 2 bottles of brandy, only to find out that I will get drunk on 5 shots alone. I couldn't walk straight and my world was really swirling. I believe I was so kulit. (So sorry friends!!)... I really did not intend to get drunk, much less drink, but we were celebrating. My friend has finally got married with his long time girlfriend. We were so happy and proud of him. Enough reason for me to get a little woozy.. Congrats friend!!! (",)

The Da Vinci Code

Finally, I was able to finish this very intriguing book. When I first heard of this book, it made an impression on me that it may change the way I perceive my religion. Well, it did not. Mainly because before I started with this book, I made it very clear to myself that this is FICTION. A fact that most people must take into account before reading this book. Although the book has referred to some things that are real, we still have to realize that this book is FICTION. It was made to amuse or entertain us, not confuse us. My sister has also argued with me on this, saying what a certain channel has contested the contents of the book. I just told her, the book is fiction, it is not supposed to be taken so seriously. What readers should concentrate on are how intelligent the characters are, the plot of the story, the twists and how the lead characters were able to get out of some sticky situations in the story. I believe the author has done a great job of keeping me guessing what will happen next. I really loved the ending!

Single (Again?!) and Yet Unavailable

Yes. I am single again but then, I am unavailable. My heart has been hardened by past experiences. I hope in time, I'd be able to accept someone in it again. As of now, I have to love myself first. Sometimes, I feel the urge to ask my Maker for signs, whether I am meant for someone or for single blessedness. But I heard somewhere that I should not be worried, that I should just lift up my burden to Him because His will be done. Well then, His will be done, be it single blessedness or not.

Totally Confused

Here I go again, with all the things that are happening around me, I still do not know what to do. I have a goal and yet I do not know how to reach that goal. There are so many roads to choose from, and I can't decide which road to take. Maybe, just maybe, I am looking at the wrong goal that's why I am so confused. I just can't DECIDE!!!!

I have so many things to consider, my family, my friends, my special someone and most importantly, my self. I know its about time that I do what I want, but doing so might make people who are close to my heart unhappy. And I do not want to be happy while making these people unhappy. But if these people love me, I believe they will be happy for me. I just hope they would.

I Don't Trust You

I really am not in a position to say this, but i don't.. I'm sorry, I don't.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

Well, I sort of celebrated my birthday this year a bit different. It was my officemate's wedding and I sort of celebrated it there. I started my birthday with DOTA and ended it still playing DOTA. hehehe.. It's one unforgettable birthday!

Sing a song....

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE (BEATLES)

(if you don't know the song, click here)

Love, love, love.

Love, love, love.

Love, love, love

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.

Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.

Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.

It's easy.

Nothing you can make that can't be made.

No one you can save that can't be saved.

Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.

It's easy.

All you need is love.

All you need is love.

All you need is love, love.

Love is all you need.

Nothing you can know that isn't known.

Nothing you can see that isn't shown.

Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.

It's easy.

All you need is love.

All you need is love.

All you need is love, love.

Love is all you need.

Looking Forward

Instead of looking back to what I have done in 2005, I just want to be positive and look forward to 2006. Here are some of the things I want to achieve this year (or in the next few years..)

--> ME FIRST! Love myself first. Serve myself first. Think of my needs first.

--> Finally decide on what I want to do with my life and career.

--> Lose weight again and maintain the weight loss. (Its not difficult to lose the extra pounds, what I had trouble with is maintaining the weight loss).

Quite vague, but my goals are very true. And these goals are realistic. That much, I know.

Finding a man is not really one of my goals. If it happens that I will live the rest of my life in single blessedness, then so be it. At my age, I really am not looking for just anybody. If he arrives, then thanks, if he doesn't, then it's still ok with me.

Standing Up After Falling Down I had my doubts about myself, whether I can pick up the pieces after I failed at something. Come to think of it, I really am not afraid of failure, I am more afraid to stand up after a failure. I am not used to failure that I am so unsure of what to do next. I am still feeling every step I take now, not knowing where to go or what to do, I am taking it one day at a time. My Nokia 6600 Its finally fixed! After a few months tinkering and problematic days of usage of this mobile phone, it's actually fixed. What a relief! I really missed this gadget, it may be outdated by I love my phone, I don't think I will replace this in the very near future. I'll be able to take picture again of random events, unaware people and beautiful sights. The resolution may not be good but the memory of the picture is much more important to me.... (",)

Fallin' in love.. Fallin' out of it...

Falling in love is such a wonderful experience. Being in love is so much better. Such an incomparable feeling. Such a happy feeling...That is, if you are not in a situation like mine...
After a few months of being in this relationship, I seem to be confused. Am I still in love with this man? Am I doing all this sacrifice /compromise for him because I am in love with him, or I am just trying to make it work just to prove to myself that I can make it work? I've become a cynic when it comes to relationships, I am surrounded with failed relationships that I really don't expect any relationship to last long.
I am really unhappy with my relationship with him. I just can't say it to his face. I am so afraid that by telling the truth, he'll be disappointed and unhappy. I still love him that way, I mean, I don't want him to feel unhappy. But right now, I really can't say that he makes me happy, even when we are together. All I want to do is cry. I think he knows why I am so unhappy, he just can't do anything about it.
What will make me happy? Ultimately happy? I do not know yet. But plain happines? All I know is that he can not give me what I NEED, and I know this NEED will make me happy.
If in case I am still inlove with him... I am sorry, I just want to fall out of love with him...

Inside of Me

I feel so empty. So empty that I do not feel anything anymore. Haay... Gulo ko talaga..

I Am Depressed

Actually, nobody has noticed, I am depressed, for more than a week now. So many issues have been circulating my mind for some time now, and everything came down on me at the same time. My only refuge is work, I have absorbed myself into work that I didn't notice these issues were slowly drowning me. And I am now drowning. Somebody save me...

My Bestfriend Nestle and I

Thanks to the SUN network, my bestfriend Nestle and I have reconnected.. I am quite happy with this because I really miss her. I miss her so much.. It's because with her, I can be myself, without any reservation. I can curse all I want, drink all I want, laugh as loud as I can and talk about stuff that I would normally not talk about with my other "friends". With her, I can be my honest self.

Although we've seen each other once or twice since I got into the Sun family, it is as if I do not need to see her, because I feel her presence. She just knows when to talk to me. She just knows when to ask how I am doing with my life. Seeing her and spending time with her would be a bonus.

We've been friends since first year high school, we were only 12 years old then, and now, we are 25 years old.. 13 years older but none the wiser.. hahaha.. I feel like we are a couple of 12-year-olds sent out to the adult world. Sure, we have responsibilities, but these responsibilities don't make us adults, its our decisions in life that makes us immature still, unfit to go out to the real world...

But at least, now, we have each other, we can guide each other, understand each other without any judgement or just be there for one another. I am thankful to God Almighty I have her as my bestfriend. She truly is a gift. (",)

::A Forwarded Text Message::

"You'll know that a guy loves you if he wouldn't hurt you no matter how much you hurt him.. And you'll know how much you love him if you don't hurt him, even if you know you can.."

I'd like to reprase this forwarded text message, and make it not biased to males or females.. "You'll know that a person loves you if that person wouldn't hurt you no matter how much you hurt that person.. And you'll know how much you love that person if you don't hurt that person, even if you know you can.."

So, this just says that you would try with all your might not to hurt a loved one because you love this person? He says he loves me and he knows that I get hurt when he does some things, but why does he still do those things that he knows hurts me a lot? Does that mean this person doesn't really love me?

You know that I am really beginning

to doubt your love for me.. You are

giving me reasons to doubt you..

I Am in a Relationship, But Not Really.

Those who are really close to me know what I mean.

When I think of our "relationship", tears always show at the edge of my eyes. Di naman ako umiiyak, naluluha lang. True, everytime I THINK of the situation I am in, I cry a little. I am not blaming anybody, I only have myself to blame. This is what I wanted, I am just getting what I deserve.

I am in love, yes, these are the happiest days of my life, but I can not claim that I am 100% happy. I love him so much it hurts. I know that this day will come. When fear starts creeping in.. Anticipating the hurt, the pain of this love will bring..

When I started to love him, I gave him the power to hurt me. Love will always come with pain I always say. But why does the pain have to be this much? Will it hurt more when I love him more??