ang tunay na ako

gusto ko umiyak, ng malakas na malakas, gaya ng sa sanggol o sa batang paslit. gusto ko isigaw ang galit ko sa buong mundo. gusto ko mawala ang sakit at pait ng nakaraan. gusto ko ng bagong buhay. gusto ko ng panibagong pag asa, dahil namatay na ang dati kong pag asa. nawawala ko. wala yatang pupuntahan. walang babalikan. wala ng mga alaalang iisipin.

ako ang dapat gumawa ng sarili kong kinabukasan. di ko hihintayin ang ibibigay ng panahon. walang hihintayin, walang babalik - tanawan. gaano man kahirap, babangon ako. di kakalimutan ang nakaraan, para di na magkamaling muli.

nasasaktan ako, sobra sobra. paulit ulit. pero ito ang tadhanang pinili ko. hanggang dito na lang ang kaya ko. lumaban ko, ginawa ang lahat. pero, bigo pa din ako. tinatanggap ko na ang aking pagkabigo. di ko pala kaya lahat. di ko pala kaya magwagi sa lahat.

sa iyo, ang dahilan ng pagkabigo ko, ang dahilan ng mga luha ko, di ko hihilingin na maging masama ang kapalaran mo, hangad ko pa din ang lahat ng maganda at maigi para sa iyo. salamat sa pag kakataon. salamat sa mga alaalang pipilitin kong ibaon sa limot. salamat sa mga bagay na nagpasaya, nagpalungkot at nagpaiyak sa akin. salamat sa iyo.

tapos na. hanggang dito na lang. wala akong lakas sa ngayon, pero babalik din ang dating kong ngiti, ang dating kinang ng mga mata ko. babalik din ang dating ako. mas malakas. mas matalino. babalik din ang dating sigla ko. magbabalik din ang tunay na ako.

A Faint Glimmer of Hope

Like a candle that is slowly losing its light, my hope is like that faint glimmer, slowly fading. I've been trying to protect it, but my protection alone can not stop it from fading. I don't know if its worth protecting, but I do protect it still. Both my hands used to shield it, now, I only have one, the other, is held by another hand, a hand that is ready to pull me away, take me away.

Most of the time, I'd like to remove my hand away, because it is getting tired. I'd like to hold the hand that has been hanging on to my other hand. But still I'd like to protect that faint glimmer of hope, that keeps on shining through eventhough the wind has been blowing hard. If only my someone would hold that tired hand. If only that someone would protect that faint glimmer.. If only..

DAZED and CONFUSED

It's so damn hard to live. It's so damn hard to be a friend to me. I am so confused at what I want right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I have no direction in life. I can't ask for my friends' help anymore. I think it's too tiring to hear my problems, over and over again. I am at my wick's end. I have been avoiding this feeling for the past month. I know that all of this is going to catch up with me. I just want to be alone, or left alone. To think. But so much has been bothering me. I can't have the leisure and freedom to think, to be alone. I just want to rest. I just want a week for myself. No worries, no people to bug me, no pressure. But I can't. I have been giving so much to other people. I have nothing more for myself. I know I wanted to think of me first, but I just could not do it. I always feel guilty that I am being selfish. I want to spend money on myself, but I can't, because of all the responsibilities I have at home. I just want to lay in bed for a whole day, but I can't, I have to go to work. I want to drink til I can't see straight, I can't because I have to drive home, or I have to think of the headache in the morning. I want to shout. I want to fly. I just want to do whatever I want. Without limits. Without boundaries.

My New Haircut and A Cute Photo..

Richard and I (playing with our faces.. )

He is such a sweetheart! This was taken last August 31, last gig of the band U-Turn. Am I a vamp? My eyes are all red.. I dunno why..

I Decided to Cut My Hair Again..

Yup, I did have a haircut again, but the change is not drastic, it was just a trim but I asked for a hairstyle that had bangs. So I'd look younger.. hehehe... I couldn't post a picture yet because I have a huge pimple and I couldn't take a picture. (",)

Why did I decide to have it cut again? I actually wanted to cut it one month ago pa, it was only yesterday that I had the time.. Hmmm...

My U-Turn Week..

Literally speaking, I made a u-turn this week. I've done things I never thought I was capable of doing. I actually felt a little bad to some of the things I did, because I was very hurtful. But then again, these things needed to be done. And, I went out the whole week. Just to hang out with friends or watch "U-Turn". I actually watched U-Turn three times this week! I can not believe it...

Tuesday: Aruba, SM Mall of Asia
Thursday: Caliente, Malate
Friday: Hard Rock Cafe, Makati

Richard and I at Hard Rock Cafe

How Much Do You Love Me?

While I was watching TV last night, this guy was asking the girl this question, "How much do you love me?". The girl answered, "very very much, forever and ever..". I remember being asked me this question, but I guess, I never answered it before. I eluded answering this question. I just do not know how to answer this question.

But now, I do have the answers, how much did I love thee? It's waking up in the morning, thinking if he was able to sleep well, will he have breakfast waiting for him on the dining table, if not, I will be very happy to prepare for him. Is he feeling well, if not, I'll be by his side to take care of him, to watch his temperature, to make sure he doesn't feel pain, by just being there. Loving him involved thinking about him first, before me. He comes first before me. Even if it means being hated by most of my loved ones, as long as he is happy, with me beside him.

Not anymore. I have to come first, its me first. I can only love someone else, if I learn to love myself first.

Endings...

Happy endings.. Sad endings..

Happy Ending....

I just finished watching the Koreanovela "My Girl". It took so many sleepless nights! I was on addict mode with this dvd! I thought it will be a sad ending, but it was wrong. In a way, I related to some parts of the story.. All the lies.. Hahaha! That's why I cried so many times in this series.. Just like I cried over "My Lovely Sam Soon". But I really enjoyed this series. I'll be watching it several times over, once I finish all my work! Hehehe.. One line I will not forget in this series: "You'll be blessed!"....

********

Sad Ending....

I have my share of sad endings. I think the last ending I had, is the saddest one of all. But this is what should happen. Doing the right thing is most important. Being fair to myself and to all who love me is also important. It is a sad ending, one ending I will never forget. Now, I am so much stronger. So much better. Ready to face the world again. Ready to fight again.

I pray that the good Lord give me the strength to keep going. Keep this attitude. Be happy. Happy in my lonesome, or happy with someone.

The Week That Was..

I mentioned last week that my week was full, because we were celebrating Janine's birthday the whole week.. We did celebrate it, but I extended it a little. This was my week..

Monday: Aruba Bar Metrowalk, watched U-Turn

Tuesday: Went home early, I really had to sleep

Wednesday: Tavern on the Square GB3, watched Side A

Thursday: Went home early, I fell asleep as soon as my sat down on the bus. Very tiring day..

Friday: Starbucks Pasay Road, with Janine, Mina, Kel and Leslie.. When I got home, I watched "My Girl" all night, until the sun came out! So I didn't sleep.

Saturday: MITECCEAA event in the morning at Mapua Intramuros, movies after lunch with Leslie at the SM Mall of Asia, meeting at 6pm back in Mapua Intramuros, then dinner at McDonald's Intramuros.

My week was really full! This week, I only had a total of 21 hours of sleep. I do need to catch up! Because I'll feel weak if I don't. Although it was tiring, it was fun, I had a great time, I was with good company, and in the loving arms of my friends. (",)

:p

In one of Janine's CELEBRATIONs...

Lee Von of Side A and Me....

I really love this picture. Not because I am beside Leevon, but I think I look good in this picture. My tummy is quite big, but I love the aura of my smile. I think I was genuinely happy when I had this picture taken. (",)

Do I Look Wasted??!!

U-Turn and Me..

Nahihiya pa ako magpapicture nyan, gusto ko kasi may kasamang iba..

(From Left: James, Teri, Maruth, Richard, Bam)

I really had a blast with my friends last night. U-Turn was great! They played my two requested songs (Kahit Maputi Na Ang Buhok Ko and Tuwing Umuulan). They were so nice and very patient. Even if we wanted a hundred thousand pictures, they still smiled after two tiring sets. Thanks for last night Janine! I really needed that! Mwah!

Happy Birthday Janine!

It's Janine's birthday tomorrow.. And we will celebrate it the whole week! It's Janine's birthday week!

Monday, We'll be at Aruba Metrowalk, to watch U-turn..

Tuesday, I do not know yet..

Wednesday, We'll be at Tavern on the Square at GB3, to watch Side A..

Thursday, Caliente (maybe??) hehehe...

Friday, I do not know yet...

I'm sure as hell I'll get wasted tomorrow night.. because I won't be driving.. I'll be sleeping over so I do not have to worry about drinking too much! Hahaha!

Standing On My Own Two Feet

It's times like these that I miss having a boyfriend. It's been awhile since my last "real" boyfriend. I am counting the YEARS right now... It has been FIVE LONG YEARS! Too long if you ask me. Why did I say I miss having a boyfriend? Just like tonight. It's a Friday night, I just got home from the gym (it's like a routine already, Friday nights at the gym, dinner on the bus, too lazy to drive, while traversing the horrible - traffic - ridden roads in Cavite).

But for all the years of my life, with or without a boyfriend, I was always indepent. Why do I feel this now? Why do I feel that I need to depend on somebody?

I just miss the days, days when somebody was taking care of me. Yung bang:

Susunduin, ihahatid, dadalhan ng flowers, mamasyal, dinadalaw ang family, kumakain ng sabay, yung may nagtatanong kung nasaan na ako, ano ginagawa ko, nakakain na ba ako, matutulog na ba ako. Yun bang: may "I Love You" message sa cellphone ko, kahit wala lang dahilan, yung mga "good nights" na never ending.. At kung anu ano pang ka-jologan na ginagawa ng mga taong 'inlabo' (inlove).

But I am strong, I will hold back all these feelings, and wait for the right one. I will not settle for anything less. Because I know I am worth it. I'll keep on STANDING on my own two feet.

Its a Mad World Out There

I just had an encounter with m*therf*cking policemen tonight. I was in a private compound, that had signs to prevent heavy traffic. Unfortunately, they needed the help of the police to keep the order and peace in the community. The police was there to help keep peace in the community and NOT HANDLE TRAFFIC! The administration of the compound has disregarded implementation of the traffic signs mainly because the residents / occupants of the offices found it difficult to abide by these rules (Would you fine the nation's largest newspaper with "No parking" and "one way" violation tickets?) and the implementation of these rules are just plain dumb and silly. They even removed some signs, and some were left hanging. This one motherf*cking policeman maybe was on a power trip. He asked for our driver's licenses, and asked us to go to the outpost. He probably didn't know that we knew, that the police had no ticketing powers in that area. He even made us wait an hour, while the other policemen were threatening us that he went to get the tickets. I believe this policemen were just waiting for an AREGLO (BRIBE). I will not bribe the motherf*cking police because I knew I did not do anything wrong. If there was a ONE WAY sign, it was very far from where I took my turn.

I am just freaking tired of all the police who act as if they always have the power. I am not saying that all are greedy, but most of them are. I still salute the police who can be trusted and stand firm on the principles taught by the academy. AND to YOU MR. GREEDY POLICEMAN, do not underestimate people, especially their intelligence. BAKA MAKATAPAT KAYO NG PAPATOL SA INYO. MANGHULI LANG KAYO KUNG TAMA NA MANGHULI KAYO, KUNG MANGHUHULI KAYO DAHIL SA LAGAY, HUMANDA KAYO, DAHIL MATATALINO NA ANG TAO NGAYON. MAY ARAW DIN KAYO.

Ano Na Naman Yan

Galit ka na naman. Hindi mo na naman hinaharap ang mga problema mo. Masama ang loob mo. Pero di mo sinasabi. Masaya ka pa ba sa buhay mo? May hinahanap ka ba? May gusto ka pa ba sa buhay mo? May inaasahan ka pa ba? O nagpapadala ka na lang sa agos ng buhay? Hinahayaan mo na lang ba na tangayin ka ng alon? O lalaban ka at lalangoy?

Bakit parang nakapako ang mga paa mo sa kinalalagyan mo? Bakit di mo pa iwan ang dapat mong iwan? Nakakadena ka ba? Ano ba ang pumipigil sa'yo? Ano pa ba ang hinihintay mo? Wala ka mapapala sa pag hihintay. Nag hihintay ka ba na magkatotoo ang pangarap mo? Kung yun ang hinihintay mo, imposible yun, dahil hindi ikaw ang may hawak ng pangarap na iyon. Mas maigi pa na umalis ka na lang, tanggalin mo na ang kadena mo, at hanapin ang totoo mong pangarap.

Mahirap sa umpisa, pero kailangan mong gawin. Kung di ngayon, kailan pa? Umpisahan mo na ang bagong buhay mo. Lumingon paminsan minsan sa nakaraan, para di malimutan ang mga pagkakamali. Matuto sa buhay. Bumangon ka, dahil di ka makakatayo kung di ikaw ang magtatayo sa sarili mo. Tumakbo ka ng mabilis. Habulin mo ang gusto mo. Habulin mo ang totoo mong pangarap.

A Wedding, A Bowling Tournament, and a Night of Dancing

A weekend that was so busy, I was so tired, but happy. I never thought I'd get through the weekend. Fortunately, classes were suspended today, and I have an extended weekend, thus, giving me a very much needed rest..

*****

The Wedding

My friend Alvin got married last Saturday, July 22. He's the youngest of the barkada, with him married, makes me the youngest of our group who isn't married. I did my bestfriend Janine's and bestfriend Mina's make up. I have to give myself snaps for doing a very good job. (",) I did put my talents to good use that day..

*****

The MITECCEAA Bowling Tournament

I didn't play, we didn't earn a single cent, and we did a lose some thousand pesos. But, we did have a lot of fun.

*****

The Ballroom Dancing Night

Last night, I went ballroom dancing with my mom. It was a charity event for my bestfriend Mina's mom. When I was younger, I was really talented in dancing. Last night, I realized I was not as good as I was before. The instructor had a hard time dancing with me. (Why did I know this, he was perspiring all over.. Not like when he danced with my mom.. HAHAHA!)

Kanta Muna Tayo!!

Songs that mean so much to me right now...

I could not find an link for this song, sung by Craig David,

UNBELIEVABLE

Always said I would know where to find love

Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough

But sometimes I just felt I could give up

But you came and you changed my whole world now

I'm somewhere I've never been before

Now I seeWhat love means

It's so unbelievable

And I don't wanna let it go

Its something so beautiful

Flowin down like a waterfall

I feel like you've always been

Forever a part of me

And it's so unbelievable

To finally be in love

Somewhere I never thought I'd be

In my heart in my head it's so clear now

hold my hand you've got nothin' to fear now

I was lost and you've rescued me somehow

I'm alive I'm in love you complete me

And I've never been here before

Now I see

What love means

When I think of what I have

And this chance I nearly lostI can't help but break down and cry

break down and cry

Now I see

What love means

*************

For this song, I found a link, I really love singing this song in Videokes...

SA KANYA

Namulat ako at ngayo'y nag-iisa
Pagkatapos ng ulan
Bagama't nakalipas na ang mga sandali
Ay nagmumuni kung ako'y nagwagi
Pinipilit mang sabihin na ito'y wala sa akin
Ngunit bakit hanggang ngayon, nagdurugo pa rin
Sa kanya pa rin babalik sigaw, ng damdamin
Sa kanya pa rin sasaya, bulong ng puso ko
Kung buhay pa ang alaala ng ating nakaraan
Ang pagmamahal at panahon alay pa rin sa kanya
At sa hatinggabi ay nag-iisa na lang
Ay minamasdan ang larawan mo
At ngayo'y bumalik nang siya'y kapiling pa
Alaala ng buong magdamag
Kung sakali mang isipin na ito'y wala sa akin
Sana'y dinggin ang tinig kong nag-iisa pa rin
Ang pagmamahal at panahon alay pa rin
Sa kanya, sa kanya, sa kanya, hah-ooh
Sa kanya.

*************

Such a meaningful song....

CONSTANTLY

I knew it was there
Though I tried to hide it
The feeling just kept on shining through
Haven't known you that long
So I try to deny it
But the feeling was much too
Much too strong
Could this be love, deep down inside
Tearing me apart, I feel it in my heart
Constantly, you're on my mind
Thinking about you all the time
I can't sleep no matter what I do
I just keep on thinking ‘bout you
Why do I feel this way?
When I know you have someone
That you're seeing each and everyday
Should I play this game of just being a friend?
When I know that's not where I want it to end
How could this be wrong?
When the feeling's so strong
Tearing me apart
I feel it in my heart
No I don't want to start no trouble
Between you and I and your lover
But I must tell you what I'm going through
Everytime you walk by I see love in your eyes

**************

Wala lang... Kasi maganda yung pagkakakanta.. May meaning? Meron, siguro noon, ngayon, di ko na alam, parehas na kame masaya...

LATER

How can you come with me

When you knew all along that you had to go

How could you watch me sleep close to you

Pretending not to know

How could you memorize my name

And forget who I am

How could you think you're still the same

Believing I can

It's too late to start pretending

It's too late for a new beginning

Later than the sunset

Later than the rain

Later than never

To love you again

How could you ask for more

Than an innocent smile

Trust in me to stay

How could you close the door

And leave me here

Supposing I'm okay

How could you break down my disguise

And uncover my fears

How could you look into my eyes

Ignoring my tears

yeah, yeah Oh

It's too late

UpDaTe!

The Vacation

My vacation was not totally wasted, I actually got to go on a "budget" vacation.. (Thanks to Fiona for arranging everything!) I went to one of the beautiful places in the Philippines.. Palawan was everything I expected it to be.

The water was beautiful, the beaches had fine and white sand, the weather was cooperative (it was already june when we went to Coron), and as always, I have the sunburn to prove it!

I was with great company, ate great food, all in a budget! I even invited my brother to go. And he did! I didn't actually think that my brother would go with us, and we did enjoy each other's company. It was really a blast!

*** *** ***

Another Quarter

Another quarter has passed, and I think, this is the quarter when I had the most difficult time. I was given a load that was way over my head. But I managed through it. God is so good to me. He knows that I really needed the extra cash. And He gave me the strength to do all that needs to be done. Praise Him!

*** *** ***

To My Dear Friend

I know you are going through a rough phase right now, and I really do not know what to say to you. I try my best to make you happy, or even just make you smile or laugh. I am sorry if at times I am difficult to deal with, I just sometimes forget that the world does not revolve around me. (",)

Please do remember, that I am here. I may not be with you physically, but my spirit is always with you. You can always count on me. Take care always and things will work out for the best! Do not worry!

*** *** ***

My Best Friend Mike Has Come Home!

He did come home, only to leave two weeks after. I sooo cherish our friendship, even if we have been apart for more than a year, when we saw each other, it was like as if he left yesterday! He left again for Singapore today, hoping to land a good job there. Well, to you my ever dearest friend, I do hope you find that a job that will satistfy your needs, be it intellectually, monetary or emotionally (?). Always remember that I will support your every endeavor. God bless always! (Ampunin mo ako kapag pumunta ako sa Singapore ha!)

Wedding Season

I am at a point in my life when all of my friends and batchmates are getting married. I have attended quite a handful in the last year, and will be attending some more in the following months and years. I've been asked by a couple of people, when will I get married? Aha!The inevitable question, how do I answer such an akward question? When in fact I am terribly afraid to get married? I do want to get married, but... I don't know...

What I am excited about, really, is the wedding. Not the married life. I am really not excited with all the responsibilities that married life brings. Right now, I have more than enough. What will happen if I do get married? More responsibilities?

Wasted Vacation?!?

Was my one - month vacation really wasted?? This is my first vacation that I was not able to go anywhere. Not to Baguio, Not to Batangas, Not Even to Friggin' LAGUNA! I was terribly busy doing something that I totally forgot that I am supposed to go on vacation. Too bad. But at least I finished all my "Things To Do". Anyway, it's still April, I have May or at least the last weeks of June. I just hope rain won't fall early this year.

Losing Weight

Ok, I'm back on track. I'm really trying my best to lose all the weight I gained slacking off. I am not really after going down to a size zero. I just want to look good in any type of clothes I wear. I just want to fit in a medium again, even a large. I want to move a little faster and not get tired climbing the Fourth Floor of the West or the NorthWest Buildings of the school. I want to dance with a little more grace, the grace I lost when I gained all this weight. In short, I just want to feel the confidence I lost when I gained all of this weight. I've been going to the gym regularly for almost a month now, and so far, I am glad with the results. I pray that I'll be able to maintain the weight loss for a long time, even if I get married or get pregnant. (",)

Speaking of Losing Weight...

It's nearly 47 days, I haven't eaten any pork, beef or any chicken (at least not to my knowledge)! It has been my annual sacrifice during the Lenten Season. To let go of the food I love to eat. Since I am very fond of eating, so I believed that this will be a good sacrifice. I guess it has actually contributed to my weight loss. The other day, I was telling a friend, I really miss eating chicken. We were eating at KFC (I ordered the Green Salad, still no chicken!) and he kept on wagging his chicken in my face. I really miss eating chicken...

But really, it's a very small sacrifice, compared to Jesus' sacrifice. Tomorrow, on Easter Sunday, the day we Catholics commemorate the Lord's Rising, I'll be thankful, not only because I'll be able to eat chicken again, but because I am reminded that He has died and sacrificed Himself for my sins.