Paasa?? Who me?? Confessions of a Female Commitment Phobe..

Paasa: someone who gives "false hopes"

A friend told me last Saturday that I was "paasa". Not really, I am basically friendly, and once I see that a person is worth my friendship, I really give my 100% friendship to that person, no malice. Most of the time, other people mistake this type of behavior as something like "I like the person" or if it happens that the person likes me, he might mistake it as hope for something more of a friendship.

Well, it's like this, I do not believe in courtship, I believe in getting to know the real person. It has been said many times that during the courtship phase, both the girl and the boy show only their good side. Well, for me, it doesn't work that way. I always want to see the real person, how he deals with conflicts, drama and other stuff that most people in a relationship deal with. So, during this "getting to know you" phase, the other person I am getting to know thinks that we are in a "relationship" or we might have a future together. It sucks, I know. Maybe I don't make it clear enough to show that I am trying to get to know him. Maybe I should exert more effort in stating it in "clear cut sentences" so as to avoid any confusion. I hate getting hurt and I also hate hurting other people.

It's true, I am afraid of commitment, terrified of settling with one person alone for the next few months, years or even a lifetime. Afraid to see his faults, and not be able to accept them. I know, I am not perfect. But that's just me.
I've been in a couple of relationships before, I did learn to accept them, faults and all, why did it fail? Because we were always in bad situations. I need not explain it here. HAHAHA! That's why I have been this way, too many bad relationships and combined with bad "role models" on love. Now, I am afraid to commit. Afraid to let go of my feelings, to allow any feeling that I know will lead to "falling in love". Totally terrified of getting hurt again and again. Afraid to risk... To be dependent on someone... Again, that's just me, and it really sucks! (",)