ang tunay na ako

gusto ko umiyak, ng malakas na malakas, gaya ng sa sanggol o sa batang paslit. gusto ko isigaw ang galit ko sa buong mundo. gusto ko mawala ang sakit at pait ng nakaraan. gusto ko ng bagong buhay. gusto ko ng panibagong pag asa, dahil namatay na ang dati kong pag asa. nawawala ko. wala yatang pupuntahan. walang babalikan. wala ng mga alaalang iisipin.

ako ang dapat gumawa ng sarili kong kinabukasan. di ko hihintayin ang ibibigay ng panahon. walang hihintayin, walang babalik - tanawan. gaano man kahirap, babangon ako. di kakalimutan ang nakaraan, para di na magkamaling muli.

nasasaktan ako, sobra sobra. paulit ulit. pero ito ang tadhanang pinili ko. hanggang dito na lang ang kaya ko. lumaban ko, ginawa ang lahat. pero, bigo pa din ako. tinatanggap ko na ang aking pagkabigo. di ko pala kaya lahat. di ko pala kaya magwagi sa lahat.

sa iyo, ang dahilan ng pagkabigo ko, ang dahilan ng mga luha ko, di ko hihilingin na maging masama ang kapalaran mo, hangad ko pa din ang lahat ng maganda at maigi para sa iyo. salamat sa pag kakataon. salamat sa mga alaalang pipilitin kong ibaon sa limot. salamat sa mga bagay na nagpasaya, nagpalungkot at nagpaiyak sa akin. salamat sa iyo.

tapos na. hanggang dito na lang. wala akong lakas sa ngayon, pero babalik din ang dating kong ngiti, ang dating kinang ng mga mata ko. babalik din ang dating ako. mas malakas. mas matalino. babalik din ang dating sigla ko. magbabalik din ang tunay na ako.

A Faint Glimmer of Hope

Like a candle that is slowly losing its light, my hope is like that faint glimmer, slowly fading. I've been trying to protect it, but my protection alone can not stop it from fading. I don't know if its worth protecting, but I do protect it still. Both my hands used to shield it, now, I only have one, the other, is held by another hand, a hand that is ready to pull me away, take me away.

Most of the time, I'd like to remove my hand away, because it is getting tired. I'd like to hold the hand that has been hanging on to my other hand. But still I'd like to protect that faint glimmer of hope, that keeps on shining through eventhough the wind has been blowing hard. If only my someone would hold that tired hand. If only that someone would protect that faint glimmer.. If only..

DAZED and CONFUSED

It's so damn hard to live. It's so damn hard to be a friend to me. I am so confused at what I want right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I have no direction in life. I can't ask for my friends' help anymore. I think it's too tiring to hear my problems, over and over again. I am at my wick's end. I have been avoiding this feeling for the past month. I know that all of this is going to catch up with me. I just want to be alone, or left alone. To think. But so much has been bothering me. I can't have the leisure and freedom to think, to be alone. I just want to rest. I just want a week for myself. No worries, no people to bug me, no pressure. But I can't. I have been giving so much to other people. I have nothing more for myself. I know I wanted to think of me first, but I just could not do it. I always feel guilty that I am being selfish. I want to spend money on myself, but I can't, because of all the responsibilities I have at home. I just want to lay in bed for a whole day, but I can't, I have to go to work. I want to drink til I can't see straight, I can't because I have to drive home, or I have to think of the headache in the morning. I want to shout. I want to fly. I just want to do whatever I want. Without limits. Without boundaries.

My New Haircut and A Cute Photo..

Richard and I (playing with our faces.. )

He is such a sweetheart! This was taken last August 31, last gig of the band U-Turn. Am I a vamp? My eyes are all red.. I dunno why..