The Value of Giving
When I was younger, the Christmas season means gifts and money... gifts and money for me, that is. Gifts from my Godparents, relatives and especially the ones coming from my parents. They usually know what to get me.
Now, at tweenty three, the tables have turned, I am more excited with shopping for gifts for my Godchildren, relatives and friends. It's December 13 and I am done with my shopping. But when I am asked what do I want to receive this Christmas, I can't seem to answer. I AM COMPLETELY STOMPED. I don't know what I want. I seem to have outgrown the excitement of opening presents, I am more excited to see the faces of the people whom I've given presents to.
Forgive the cliche, but I found pleasure in giving rather than receiving. But sometimes I do go overboard. Sometimes I am too much of a giver to a fault, its just plain stupid.
I know sometimes I should learn when to stop and when to give to myself. But as of the moment, I still do not know what to give myself. I do hope that I find out soon.

I am HUMAN afterall...
I am human, my heart is not made of stone. I did feel compassion for my fellow. I thought I was an unforgiving bitch. I guess I thought wrong. I still am HUMAN afterall.

I like this song.... Can We Still Be Friends..
We can’t play this game anymore, But can we still be friends?
Things just can’t go on like before, But can we still be friends?

We had something to learn, Now it’s time for the wheel to turn
Grains of sand, one by one, Before you know, it’s all gone

Let’s admit we made a mistake, But can we still be friends?
Heartbreak’s never easy to take, But can we still be friends?

It’s a strange sad affair, Sometimes seems that we just don’t care
Don’t waste time feeling hurt, We’ve been through hell together

Can we still get together sometimes?, Hey babe, can we still go on?
We awoke from our dream, Things are not always what they seem
Memories linger on, It’s like a sweet, sad, old song

>>> The reason why I like this song is because I can relate, I am tired of the same old cycle of being friends and then enemies with an old flame. I'd like to think that not once have I ever said anything negative about him, for the reason that I believe that I loved him, and that all his good qualities will outshine his bad ones.
>>> Now I believe that I can never be friends with an old love. It would be difficult because one will keep on bringing up the past, and why the love has failed. I just hope that I am not that one.
>>> I've invested much on the relationship, more than he ever knows. I hate talking with him about the past, because I don't want to ever think of the "what ifs". I don't want to regret anything that I may or may not have done in the past. I live in the present and look forward to the future.
>>> I hope he is happy with his life right now, as I really am happy for him. I hope he'll also be happy for me, with what I have and what I have accomplished.
>>> I'd like to say that I loved him, more than life itself. That I almost cried myself to death when we parted ways. That I was willing to fight heaven and hell for him. That I was crushed when he didn't fight for me.
>>> Nobody had ever and will ever replace him in my heart and life. But life must go on. And I have moved on. I hope you did too.
>>> Can We Still Be Friends? <<<

CHALLENGES
I am faced with new challenges in my life. I will be given a new responsibility. This new responsibility is keeping me tossing and turning at night. The hard part is, I am not at liberty to tell my friends and siblings this new responsibility. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that this challenge will not break me, it will make me a better person.
I've just concluded my Practicum 1 defense, it felt like a thorn has been pulled out of my chest. I do not know if I should be happy with the results or not, I could have done better though. No time to rest, I have to start with the documentation of my Practicum 2. haaayy...
Challenges keep on coming.. But I will keep on going... Because if it doesn't kill me, it will only make me stronger... :)

I AM SICK AND TIRED
I really am sick and tired, I've been in this very heavy routine since the start of August. I have my practicum in the morning and I have my job in the afternoon and the evening. Plus I also have to attend classes on Saturdays and I have to prepare my practicum defense. It's so funny that I can still find time to watch a movie or go out with friends, because I really am tired. But inspite of it all, I am still happy. No one can bring my spirits down because I know I am loved, and I love those who love me. Its really ineviitable that there will be rough times, because without the rough times, how could we appreciate the good times? Its a matter of seeing the glass as half full or half empty. I see my glass as half full. I am thankful for all the blessings. I've made a couple of good acquaintances from my practicum and they made me feel very much welcome in their group. I know I am not being coherent with all of this because I REALLY AM SICK. I've had the flu since Monday, Aug.25, and I have been going to work and practicum ever since, I did have a one day rest though because I had a very high fever.
So, where is this going, I just want to share that I really am thankful for all of the challenges, new acquaintances, old friends and family. Eventhough not everyone has been supportive, it's still ok because the people that matter to me are very supportive. I am happy despite the pressures and "coldness" from other people. I am thankful that I can still be me, eventhough not everyone agrees with the real me.
Lessons
I have learned that people get angry for two reasons: when you've done something wrong to them or they become jealous of you. I admit, I've been been jealous before, but I let the person know that I am jealous of them or of what they have. That's the way I deal with jealousy because I don't want to hate the person for no reason at all. Jealousy makes me realize of what I want out of life. So jealousy for me is a reaction of people who do not have something that another person possesses. Jealousy is really not a bad thing, its how we react to the feeling.
Excitement
Two good news were reported to me this week: one being a dream come true and the other, well, all I can say is, we will be having an angel.
A Dream Come True:My friend asked to accompany her to a certain "event". For me its a big thing because I really want to go to this "event". Though it's still in the planning stage, but I really am excited, I really want to see this certain person.
Angel: One night, a friend texted me this good news, we were going to be added with an angel soon. Because of this very good news, the three of us were not able to sleep. Excitement and nervousness dawned upon us. But more of excitement, rather than nervousnes....

I finally do have an answer to the question in my previous blog and the answer is I AM. The answer came without warning, a realization that hit me in the middle of listening to my favorite songs nowadays (a certain “boyband” who happen to have absolutely very good looks but very little singing talents).
I never thought it would be possible, and I am very happy with myself and my latest discovery. I am satisfied with what I have now, it may not be much, but I AM REALLY HAPPY. Now I know that you feel happiness when you are satisfied. Don’t get me wrong because I still aspire to do so much in life, but looking at what I have and what and who I have become, I am satisfied.
I am satisfied with the company of good friends, special friends and family. Although I still have to “retie ties” with a friend, but now is not the right time, I still can’t face to retie those broken ties. The tie was broken on a special occasion, actually a birthday; maybe a special occasion will also help us to retie those ties. Good thing that friends understand the things I am going through right now.
PRESSURES
I actually am under a lot of pressure right now. With my first practicum expiring this term, accreditation paper works and requirements need to be finished, an actual project for a certain company, and of course WORK. Actually, the real pressure comes from the practicum, I have to graduate my masters’ degree this year or else my regularization will not push through. I do not want my more than 2 years of hard work to go down the drain, so I have to work hard on that one.
I know I have the strength to do all of these. And the good news is I am actually inspired to do all of these. Who inspires me? That remains to be found out….

Am I Honestly Over Him?
I've only been in love once, and ever since he broke my heart, I’ve been overprotecting myself from getting hurt. ‘Twas that time I told myself that I could endure any physical pain but never the pains of a broken heart. I still live by that line to this very day.
The question is: am I honestly over him?
How do I answer this question? If being over him means that I could look straight into his eyes without melting inside, then maybe I am. If being over him means that I’ve had other relationships, then maybe I am. But then, maybe I am not.
Some people say that I was not in love, that it was just lust. That it happened during the time when my hormones were raging and I mistakenly mistook lust for love. Maybe they’re right.
Maybe I am not completely over him. Because deep inside, I know that I still have love left for him. How much? Still I do not know, but everyday I realize that the love that I have for him is just enough to say that I fell for him once in my life.
Have I moved on? Of course I have. Am I ready for a new relationship? I still cannot answer that. Will I jump into that “CLIFF” again? Maybe I will.
Here’s what I believe in, I believe that love when lost, was not love at all. That is not a maybe.

This was also sent to me via email by my friend ja9.. She was hinting me that I could relate to the article.. I found it very amusing.. Don't you think?

Just Friends?
By Leah Castaneda, Manila Standard

I'm sure those with email or have friends with email have gotten wind of this article written by Susan Nikaido on the widespread phenomenon
appropriately entitled "Just Friends?". With all the reaction the article has gotten from those victimized by the epidemic and those men who seem to live it, I thought, "Wait a minute maybe the topic deserves another shot!"

Nikaido starts her article by defining the phenomenon: boy and girl meet and they start spending a great deal of time together. They watch movies, go to the grocery or to the talyer together, hear mass, have breakfast, lunch or dinner together. It often extends to picking each other up or bringing each other home if the need arises. Their different circles of friends accept that inviting one means inviting the other and no one seems to have a problem with that arrangement. She's number three on his cellphone's speed dial (home, work, girl). She's the first person he thinks of when sending those god-forsaken text jokes. He calls her up three or four times a day, at the very least, and the conversation usually lasts for hours. Sounds familiar?

He begins telling her about the deeper things in his heart and invites her to share at this level as well. He sends her mushy 'friendship' cards and tells her that she means a great deal to him. He may become a little affectionate: the hugs begin to linger. The relationship has become wedged between friendship and M.U. (mutual understanding). After a long while and a million questions from her friends, the girl musters enough courage to ask the boy that mllion-peso q uestion: "What's the deal between us?" Translation: "Ano ba talaga?"

Of course, that question which obviously meant to jolt the man into thinking: "We do have to define this relationship. We can't be in limbo forever, therefore I'm going to ask her to be my girlfriend!", only makes him panic and run for his life. To her surprise, he does a quick about-face. He insists they are just friends. After that, he avoids her, leaving her hurt and bewildered. She feels rejected? she has lost not only a romantic interest but worse, a close and trusted friend. As she feels stupid. Joe, a man asked about the phenomenon, explained this by saying, "We were getting close, and it scared me." Single guys are normally on the look-out for women who are "girlfriend-material" so when they meet someone who they are not 100% certain fits the bill, they enter the Just Friends relationship. He starts calling her up and they start doing the boyfriend-girlfriend activities together. In his mind, they're not dating and they're definitely just friends. To her, he's probably just waiting for the right time to propose and she's sure he's in love with her.

Herein lies the confusion.

The Just Friends arrangement is great for the one who says "of course not,we're not dating!" Results of a random survey show that the guy usually plays this part. He happily goes on calling her and being with her, not knowing the extent and depth of her feelings for him. A plausible explanation for the fact that men are mostly the victimizers is that women do not normally choose to be with someone for a prolonged period of time if there is no attraction involved. If the attraction is not enough to bring the relationship one step further, we make sure from the very beginning that the guy does not mistake our closeness as "more than friendship." Why waste time?

Guys, on the other hand, gladly enter a Just Friends relationship because it's convenient? Having a quasi-girlfriend without the commitment.

It's like a country club membership without having to pay for anything
especially if she allows intimacy into the relationship. For the guy, it's icing on the free cake. "In effect, he is asking her for the rewards of a dating relationship ? companionship, emotional intimacy, even affection? without the responsibility. He is playing with her heart and her heart will probably get broken." Guys might think, "If she gets hurt because I told her that we're just friends, it's not my problem. I never said anything to make her think that I want to become her boyfriend." The heartbreak here lies in the fact that not only is the potential romantic relationship destroyed, but so is the friendship.

The logical thing to do for all those who have unfortunately gone through something as endlessly heartbreaking as being told after many months or years of "great friendship," "Huh? What are you talking about? We're just friends!", is to run like hell. Stop seeing him/her! The situation is like a hole you dig for yourself? The longer you stay there, the deeper the hole becomes and the more painful it gets because you know as well as I do that he's just going to keep calling you, seeing you, and texting you. The only way you can save yourself is if you can effectively take control of your emotions and develop a life outside of your relationship with the man. He'll complain and make tampo but just smile and say "I'm busy, eh" whenever he asks you to go with him to the dentist (like you used to). The balance this will create should enable you to quickly get over him once he finds someone
he actually wants to become his girlfriend because he will. He may wake up one day and realize that you're the one or he may not.

Until then, you're lunching in Tagaytay with your other friends. Turning the tables around, the fair thing to do if you find yourself spending time with someone interesting enough to go out with but you're just not sure, is to be completely honest with that person, especially if you have a feeling that the other person wants something & more than friendship. The trick is to be straight and firm without sacrificing tact. You must be able to control the urge to see him/her all the time. Usually, the feelings of the other person get sideswiped by this time and we can avoid this if, from the very beginning, your were upfront with him or her. You might say, "But I enjoy her company! Why should I sacrifice my desire to be with her?" Listen, there's nothing as vicious as unconsciously or consciously leading someone on for your own personal gain. There will never be an excuse for it. Find other people to hang out with (even if they're not half as fun or as smart as she is). Be like butter and spread yourself around. Remember, what we're trying to avoid here is the eventual pain you're going to inflict on her later, plus, we're trying to protect the friends hip. Now, take this time out to find out what exactly this woman means to you. If the feeling she gives you is the warm, fuzzy, safe, sunshiny type, then you love her as a friend and clearly, that's all you want. She's definitely your pal, your buddy, your ka-tight, your ka-G. But if the feeling you have for her inside consumes you, makes your heart pound whenever she's around, tortures you whenever she's not, and makes you slightly insane with the thought of her being with another guy and now that you're apart, has made your heart ache so much you can hardly breathe, pare, you're in love with her. What next, you may ask? Whatever you feel for her, gather the guts and tell her. She's been your friend for so long? that's the least you can do.

And then, you may say, "But what if it doesn't work out in the end?" What if it does? Live dangerously! Take the risk! Hopefully, by now you've made up your mind. Now don't try to be smart by saying "I need to spend time with her to find out how I feel for her. Find this out on your own! By this time, I'm sure you can already distinguish between romantic love and companionship. If you still can't, stay the hell away from her. Your confusion only means one thing? You're not in love with her. The sincerity in your objective if all you want is to be friends with her should be manifested in how you treat her. Susan Nikaido says, "But what if a guy does only want to be friends? Or wants to develop a friendship before he decides to date? It's pretty simple. He just treats the woman like all his other friends. He doesn't spend more time with her or call her m ore often than he does his other friends. He usually invites other people along when he gets together with her. He doesn't pick up the tab when just the two of them go out. He avoids compliments that might communicate she is "special" to him. He lets her know he spends time with other women. He's extremely careful about showing any physical affection? Even playful shoves or hugs."

I still believe that a platonic relationship between a man and a woman is possible but only if the level of their love for each other is the same and as clearly defined as night and day. Both parties should take care in treating each other as friends, if that's truly where they want to go. The in-betweens should not be allowed to get in the way to avoid needless disappointments, hurts and unmet expectations. In the end, there are very few rules to be followed in maintaining a "really just friends" relationship: Be fair, be true, be honest? and be certain.

This was sent to me via email: I found it very funny and some are very true..

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED AS I MATURED

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a bigweenie or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

If not...tough shit

FRIENDS AND FRIENDSHIP

According Webster’s Comprehensive Dictionary, International Edition, the definition of friend and friendship are as follows:

FRIEND (frend) n. 1 One who cherishes kind regard for another person; an intimate and trustworthy companion. 2 One who regards a thing with favor; a promoter. 3 An adherent; ally; one of the same nation or party.
FRIENDSHIP (frend’ship) n. 1 Mutual regard by cherished minds. 2 The state of the fact of being friends

Anyhow, my definition of a friend is ONE WHO NEVER FAILS TO UNDERSTAND, TRUST, RESPECT AND LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY; ALWAYS LOOKS OUT FOR THE BEST INTEREST OF THE OTHER; ALWAYS IN THE PURSUIT OF THE IMPROVEMENT OF THE OTHER; ONE WHO NEVER JUDGES AND AN HONEST MIRROR WHO WILL BE VERY TRUTHFUL IN A VERY CARING WAY.

I believe I have been very good to those I consider “my friends”. I will fight for them, live for them and die for them. Sometimes, I believe it’s a little “suffocating” to be one of my friends. I was once told that a person is very lucky if he can count his true friends using both hands. All I know is that I have a lot of acquaintances, but really few true friends. So let me pay tribute to those whom I consider my “truest”and “bestest” friends.

To Ja9 and Mheenakins (in alphabetical order): for always putting up with me, even in my most unlikable state. For always being there, in good times and in bad. For letting me to be ME, without prejudice. We may not be sisters by blood, but we’re definitely sisters by heart..
To Iris and Mama Rose (in alphabetical order): for being the “sensible” ones, for being there, in good times and in bad.
To Dh3nz and Leslie Boy (in alphabetical order): for being there, when my sisters are “unavoidably detained”.. more bubba gump sessions to come…
To Alvin, Jake and Jep (in alphabetical order): for never judging me in my most trying times.. I thank you….
To Charles: for being my HONEST MIRROR, for all the criticisms (whether constructive or not) with high regard for my feelings.. thanks a lot!
To Mike: for all the advice, the help and the treats.. for accepting me for who and what I am, for being always available for me..
To Sir Glen: for the “pagkalinga”.. for being open-minded and everything..
To Leah Fe: for getting angry when I'm not capable of getting angry... for making me realize some things in life, you don't know how much i treasure our times together..
To Marianne and Marloun: for all the help, for being nice and for being true.. for the inspiration, that love still exists, for inspiring me that someday, I may also find my one true love, and have the "marianne and marloun" kind of relationship.. thank you..
To those unnamed people, you’ll know you’re a friend if you fit my definition…

Its been a while and everything is just a mess. I really have nothing "brilliant" to say. Maybe because I'm quite tired, aside from the fact that I am sick, not with SARS, which has come to gain popularity over the last few weeks (they say that its really deadly that's why everybody's been O.C. with their health). I am on the brink of quitting, my job and my studies ( im 6 units away from graduation, all i have to do is complete my practicum on which i still do not know where to start). What do I do not like about my job? Well, I really do not know. My father once told me if I wasn't enjoying what I was doing, then there's no point of going on. The sad part is, I seldom enjoy what I do.

Mt. Manabu??
Last Friday, my friends and I went mountain climbing in Lipa, Batangas. There were several things that I was able to realize on our way to the peak. First, I was not in great shape when I climbed that mountain. Really!!! I was the cause of delay last Friday because I kept on asking for breaks. I was short of breath and my heart was beating so wildly. I didn’t really quit, I know I’ll make it to the top (at least before the sun rises, it was a night trek.) but on the way, I think I promised myself that I won’t climb anymore mountains!! (Now, I think I’ll be able to endure another one, but I have to check with the doctor first.) Second, that I trusted my friend with my life. Why? Mainly because he was the only one who knew the way up the peak. Who knows what we could and might encounter there on our way to the peak. Third, just like in that mountain where there were tough assaults and easy treks, we all have to experience hardships in life. Life can not always be easy. (I know, what a cliché!!).
We encountered crossroads, we backtracked (only a few meters), I slipped, twice, nothing was bruised, only my pride, hehehe!!! Though the mountain we climbed is considered level 1, it was a great achievement for me. When I reached the peak, I looked over the city of Lipa, and I felt great. I know what got me up there: DETERMINATION, PATIENCE, SUPPORT and TRUST. The qualities we need to succeed in life.

A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.
A basketball in Michael Jordan's hands is worth about $33 million.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A baseball in my hands is worth about $6.
A baseball in Mark McGuire's hands is worth $19 million.
It depends on whose hands it's in.

A tennis! racket is useless in my hands.
A tennis racket in Venus Williams' hands is a championship winning.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A rod in my hands will keep away a wild animal.
A rod in Moses' hands will part the mighty sea.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A sling shot in my hands is a kid's toy
A sling shot in David's hand is a mighty weapon.
It depends whose hands it's in.

Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches.
Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in God's hands will feed thousands.
It depends whose hands it's in.

Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse
Nails in Jesus Christ's hands will produce salvation for the entire world.
It depends whose hands it's in.

As you see now it depends whose hands it's in.
So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your families and your
relationships in God's hands because...
It depends whose hands it's in.

This message is now in your hands.
What will YOU do with it?

It depends who's hands it's in

This is from an email.

WORRIES...
A newborn baby worries when his next feeding will be or if his diapers are already soaked.
A pre schooler worries whether he'll be able to get a star from his teacher at the end of the day.
A grade schooler worries whether he'll get bullied today at school or will there be tons of homework to do and there is no more time left for play.
A high schooler worries about his or her appearance or whether he or she will be able to see their crushes today.
A college student worries if he'll be able to beat the deadline for his thesis, practicum or design.
A working person worries if he or she will be able to do all his or her job well today or impress his or her boss in any way.
A married person worries if he or she will be able to provide for his or her family.
At this moment, all of these worries seem to be so little mainly because all of us has one worry, the impending war in Iraq.
I fear for my future if this war will come to pass. It makes me stop and think, what have I done in the last 23 years of my life. Was I able to do something that has improved humanity? Or did I do something that has worsen humanity? Is this the end of the world?
I am OPTIMISTIC. I pray that this war will not come to pass. I pray for PEACE. I pray for the people of the world.

I had a great time last night, although i was not able to eat a lot, still i enjoyed the company and warmth of my friends.

DECISIONS and DESTINY
"Our destiny is the summation of all our decisions". (I heard this somewhere, i think it was from the movie Catch Me If You Can.)
True, our fate is determined by the decisions we made along the way. Where am I going with this? I have a friend who needs a little help with a decision. On one hand, my friend does not want to disappoint the family, on the other, my friend is doubtful of what lies ahead. (i didin't use pronouns because i wish to protect my friend's identity.) I wish i can help my friend but i can't. It would be selfish of me if i try to help my friend decide, why? because it would benefit me if my friend would decide one way and it would be a loss for me if my friend decides the other. I wish not to influence my friend's decisions. But still, i will be supportive and very happy whatever my friend's decision will be. : )

We are faced with thousands even millions of decisions everyday, in one way or another, we affect each other's lives when we make decisions. DECIDE WELL.

What a date to start.. 14th of March.. 3-14.. Here's what's going on inside my head today: i have tons of work to do and so little time to do it.. but still i have the time to rant about it and time to write here, so i think i do have the time to do all the work i have to do. This is really fun..
It's friday again..
Today is sacrifice day.. No full meals for me today. I just wish that i'll have enough energy for all my activities (I slept at 3am and woke up at 730am). Here's what I have to do today:
1. check my students' quizzes
2. edit the laboratory experiments
3. prepare make up exams
4. meet my friends for dinner (after a very tiring day, i think i have to relax with my friends)
I pray that i'll have the drive to do all of these..